Growing Up

For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m becoming an adult. Most of the time I still feel so young, but everything changed this summer. I changed this summer. In the past I’ve always been stuck in a constant state of searching. I searched for meaning. I searched for joy. I searched for the truth. I searched for whatever it is that will be the rest of my life.

This summer I found myself in the mountains of Croatia. I met amazing people from all over the world, probably friends I’ll keep forever. I found myself in people who are different from me in so many ways, yet deep down are just like me. I learned about the world. I became aware of all the different places there are to see. For the first time I became aware of my own potential to make a difference in the world. I started praying for the first time in 10 years. In all the beauty that surrounded me there, it was impossible not to see God. I learned what faith really means. I learned how important it is to forgive. I felt unconditional love for those around me. When I dream at night, I’m back in Croatia.

Being back in America is weird. There’s a new feeling I experience all the time now. It feels like this is all a dream. My dreams of Croatia are more realistic than the waking hours I spend in Virginia. I don’t think I can stay in this country much longer. The thought of it scares me, but not as much as the thought of living in America my whole life. I’m ready to see as much as possible. I really want to make a difference, in whatever way I can. It’s hard figuring out what to do though. Finally I’ve realized that I really want to be remembered after I die. Not for being famous, or anything less than the simple truth of my life. I want to make a ripple effect. All I want in my life right now is to make one small change in the world, one that will keep growing long after I’m gone. I want to make use of this one opportunity I have to live.

I’m kind of scared. All of the sudden I have dreams of what I want my life to be in the future. It scares me because it’s like admitting that I won’t be young forever. In 20 years I’ll say things like “When I was 19…”. I’m nineteen now, but won’t always be. I think I’ll miss being 19. I feel free. All I ever want in life is to be free. I want the whole world to be free. We all just need to be free to live, free to be, free to hold onto our youth. At least our souls are unchanging. In that way we really can stay forever young, forever searching. I think from now on instead of thinking about what I’d do if it were my last day on earth, I’ll pretend it’s my first. Maybe that’s what growing up really is.

What would you do if it were your first day on earth?