they dont pay like they used to pay

in a little more than eight days, i'll be 20. 20 is too old. im not ready for 20. im still a kid. im not a grown up. im not in my 20's. i dont want to be a 20something. i cant be. im still trying to find something, anything, to have meaning. i cant start thinking about the fact that the people im around may be finding their life mates and starting jobs that lead to careers and arent just a way to pass time at a time when time is all we have and make enough money to pay for dinners out and partying. im not ready for electrical bills and dogs. thats too much like real life. let me keep snoozing and keep this dream alive.

Life is fleeting but it lingers forever

Tonight, or this morning I suppose, I remembered two winters ago.

I want to run away sometimes. I need to run away sometimes. I actually did run away, just once before, in the dead winter of my senior year. I disappeared with a boy I thought I loved to the countryside and spent the whole weekend staring at the stars. I spent the whole weekend staring at the moon. I was hypnotized.

Nobody knew where I was. For a weekend I existed solely on that farm and nowhere else. My problems couldn’t find me, so I forgot about them entirely. The overwhelming beauty of the winter sky didn’t have room for them and neither did I. With every star visible and the biggest full moon in nine years, my world shone and my heart basked in the light. I shone for the first time in a long time, almost as if I, like the stars above my head, could only shine in the countryside. I’ll never forget it.

I’ll never forget the urge to leave everything behind, even if it’s just for a little while. I want to stand under the stars in the earth shattering cold again. I want to stand still, frozen in disbelief, once more, as I listen to the deafening silence of the natural world. I want to feel the rush of freedom just one more time. It's a feeling I'd do anything for.

If I close my eyes and think hard enough I find myself back on the farm, always at night. I find myself walking in a trance down the path leading toward the farmhouse. I find myself standing underneath a solitary tree in the field, staring into the eyes of the pony again. I find myself feeling safe. I find myself gaping at the perfect, vast, circle of clouds that encompassed the moon my last night in the country. I find myself identifying constellations and stars in a dreamlike moment of clarity, the need for a planetarium obsolete. I find myself talking to an old friend, my companion in isolation. I find myself talking about everything. I find myself, if I think hard enough.

Nevertheless, every winter I want to run away. Every winter I need to run away. Because no matter what I find myself running toward, I know I’ll end up staring up at the stars. I know I’ll discover a sense of awe and wonder that slows the rotation of my forever spinning mind, giving me a glimpse of perfection. It’s a perfection that I can only find in nature and all of its imperfections. When I become immersed in nature, when I take my place as a part of nature, I can see that perfection within myself. I can see that perfection within my endless imperfections. The moment is fleeting but it lingers forever.

The winter is fleeting but it lingers forever. The same is true of the spring, summer, and fall. Each season falls into place within a time which has no end. Each season falls into place within our minds as a memory of the past, as a memory of the times we’ve run away, and, more importantly, as a memory of the inevitable return. I want to run away more than anything, just so that I may find my way back.

I've been here almost a month.
This is the first time I've felt lonely.
Those whom I love are far away, but they've never felt this far.
It is hard to feel love right now.
Losing energy and feeling sluggish.
Zombielike
Going through the motions of being happy while having no motivation to make myself happy.
I feel like I'm sixteen-
The worst year of my life.

Logically, I know this will pass, but I wish it would hurry up and do so before I do something seriously damaging to my future, mental health, or hair.

It's like he's a song that's stuck in my head

and I can't get him out. This is a disaster. What's even more annoying is that I don't care that it's probably going to end badly, that I'm most likely going to get hurt. All I care about is when I'll get to see him next. The feeling I get whenever he smiles at me in that way he does, a smile that says the words we can't say, is worth it all.

I can't do this though. I can't be the girl who pursues a guy who's already someone else's boyfriend. Even if they're totally unhappy together. Even if I've never seen him smile at her the way he smiles at me.

My head is spinning.

Why do you ignore me? Where did you go?

Celestial Musings

If I have your heart then I don't need your soul
Think once, think twice
Never stop thinking
It is all right.

I hope that all my friends and family got out to look at the moon tonight
Beautiful and full.

I hope that all my friends and family appreciate their skyline as much as I do mine
A pink, hazy glow emerges over the tops of lush green palms
A bright, full moon hangs still in a vast, velvet sky
mirrored in a vast, glittering river
bustling with movement and mystery.

Thinking about the beauty of a moment
Fleeting but eternal
Meaning something different to everyone.

I gaze at that ivory orb sitting high in the sky
suspended safely in the universe
I lean, embraced by a swaying tree
Dragging on an ill advised rush
high on the promise of life and unending uncertainty
Suspended safely by my love.

Souls are not meant to be posessed
not meant to be contained
If I contain mine, and you contain yours
Then we can fly side by side

A glowing smile symbolizes that which is the truth
We hold each other's hearts
We hold each other's hands
We admire each other's souls
Together we soar

Martin Luther King Day

Today is Martin Luther King day. A national holiday. But what is the focus of this day? I would venture to say that for most it is not a celebration of a truly visionary man who did more than his share to making this world a better place, rather is is a celebration of a day off from work, a day of no classes. A celebration of lying around and basking in the privilege of middle to upper class America. MLK is probably rolling in his grave right now with the knowledge that some of the most visionary, radical, capable people of this generation are spending today lying around, checking up on each other's weekend party pictures rather than doing anything meaningful with their lives. What is unfathomable to me is that these same people rant about what is wrong with the world, diagnosing social and political ills from the comfort of their well-furnished homes. I'm not trying to exclude myself from this crowd, because I've been there before, many a time. But a slew of conversations with my friends and peers about what is wrong with society and the world in general has made me realize how much potential this generation has if we would only get our ideas out of the lava lamp discussion circle and into the real world. Its time to stop bitching and start doing. MLK once said, "Change does not ride in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle." So start struggling today for change. Make plans. Become informed. Get radical. Let's make it happen.

why? because he was a question mark. and i hate question marks. i hate them hovering above my head, big markers of my indecision. i love the finality of a period, of a question resolutely answered. he was an ocean of a what if, swelling and falling with feelings unresolved. i needed the feel of his body against mine to move forward.

ice cubes and comedy shows, my fingers raking through his hair as we talked about my family. a lingering glance before we slept. we were so close before a door separated us, a physical wall cutting the tension passing through our bodies.

i had to make sure i wasnt missing out on love. so i let myself slip. i gave in. i knew exactly what i was doing. i knew bowls and bottles would lead to beds. i've never been much for the slow burn.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

I want there to be leaves on the trees again.

Perhaps

I might be a lonely girl, but I feel free
I might be afraid of this, but I feel charged
My feet might be faltering, but I'm floating in the sky
My brain might be rotting, but my mind is expanding

I might be in love with you, but could I ever have felt this way had I stayed?
I might miss you terribly, but I might like that
Or I might like the fact that you miss me back

Hello Out There

Hello all, this isn't a real post, but I thought now would be a good time to reconnect with everyone who is contributing since its the start of a new year. Its always awesome to read the posts of everyone that I know through the blog, even if we've never met, so let's all keep up with expanding our horizons and honing our expressive skills through the blog. On that note, I know we don't really have any followers, but I thought even if we just started commented on each other's work it could be really constructive to discuss some of the posts. There are some really interesting ideas and thoughts being put out there that we could definitely take farther, and its always helpful to receive constructive praise/criticism from fellow writers about style and such. So I hope everyone keeps posting, and that we can get to know each other a little better by having some comments and discussion too!