whats worth keeping, suns still sinking.

sometimes you have to just love those terribly minor players in your life who make all the difference. it only takes one conversation for everything to come into light and for new perspectives to change everything you thought you knew. there's so much complexity in our lives sometimes the people most wrapped up in the same complexities can't even comprehend them better or as much as you. you just get swept up and you cant see anything for what it is and it all gets lost. but then there are the fringe people- the people gently swept up in your tornado but the centers of another tornado entirely- who can see the whole tornado of your life and tell you just whats going on. those people make all the difference. they're the people you see a few times a year, if that, who you're friends on facebook with, maybe, but you would never ever text a mass holiday greeting to, the people you know as someone elses friend who you kind of know but you couldnt say what his hands look like. they know about your life but they dont play a major role. they can say things so flippantly but that make all the difference as you sit back and process what theyve really said. they force you to look at your reality from theyre perspective and see the flaws and all the beautiful things youre missing.

i ran into one of those people at the beginning of this break. i was expecting to just say hey, maybe a hows school conversation, or maybe just eye contact and then mutually agreeing itd be better not to acknowledge the fact that we know each other at all. but we ended up saying hello. and then we wound up chatting for a half an hour about people we both used to know, music, roommates, city schools with co-ops and pressure to know what youre life is going to look like. and i realized that my mistakes are starting to outnumber my triumphs. im tired of making the wrong decision all the time. im tired of storming through doors and leaving this wake of drafts by all the doors i leave open and hanging from their hinges. i want to close doors behind me. the gaping lack of closure in my life is driving me mad and forcing me to constantly reel through my past bad decisions while i try and fall asleep at night. its what makes that tight, sickly ball in the pit of my stomach that drives my hand into my pocket to clasp that stupid little blue box with stupid little leaves wrapped up in a stupid little piece of paper and strike my calloused thumb against that stupid little piece of metal so a stupid little flame pops up and my stupid little tensions can get chemically erased.

sometimes people know things about you that will surprise you. they can tell you your next move, but not how the transition happens. so you forget they ever told you at all until all of a sudden you realize just how right they were. maybe thats growing up. everyone following in the same predictable patterns and just realizing at different rates where they are and who they are. everyone is a type. no one is original and everything we do someone has done before.

Time For a Change

It’s time for a change, I think. After a 5 minute sprint across campus for an exam left me winded and sore, I’ve decided I need to reevaluate my life and my attitude towards living. What is so great about poisoning myself every day with cigarettes? What is so stress relieving about something that causes me to have no money and to lack the ability to walk up stairs without breathing heavily? Why do I waste my time outside, freezing my ass off in this cold so I can get a quick nicotine buzz off of some cheap shitty Newport that I bummed from a friend who bummed it from a stranger? I want to quit smoking. I want to eat healthy. I want to get my allotted thirty minutes of physical activity a day. Am I selling out? I don’t think so. You can argue against conformity but you can’t argue against science. Sure we’ll all die someday, but why would I want to facilitate my death through unhealthy habits and make myself a burden to my family by being riddled with disease when I do grow old? I want to go back to the person who took cycling classes twice a week, did yoga and was a little bit obsessed with my antioxidant intake. As I sit here trying to force my limbs into the lotus position, sipping green tea, I think I’m starting to get back on track. Sure my joints are a little rusty, my lungs a little worse for the wear, but it’s a start. Time to start living for life again. It’s time for a change.

Expansion

I'm sitting in my friend's dorm room, and no one is talking because the T.V. is on. Only one person is actually watching it. I've noticed the T.V. isolates this individual and drives her to be alone here at school.  Maybe I'm just a bias jerk because I don't watch T.V. However, not until now have I realized, by watching someone glued to it, how gross it makes me feel. I feel sorry for her.

Get out. Experience life. Explore your mind. Socialize. Learn From Others.  The T.V. causes you not to think and closes off your mind from possibility.

Don't get stuck sitting in your filth staring a a screen.

Screen stops expansion.

I think this might be my last week at college...

What's going to happen to me?
What has happened to me?
What am I going to do?
What have I done?

I'm a fool for you

Last night a boy i was in love with for a very long time told me that he had just realized he was yet another link in my long chain of boys. it rattled me to the core and i cant shake the feeling that i was a fool for letting him in as much as i did. i dont open up to people on a real level very often and ive told him things ive never told anyone before. my attraction to him went far beyond one night of writhing in a bed. but i guess that was all he saw himself as.

he wasnt another link. besides the point that my list of boys isnt long enough to be classified the way he did, he wasnt a part of that rando chain. i didnt want to leave in the morning. i didnt turn to the wall to avoid facing him in the morning sobriety. he may have started off as just a guy, but there was more there than that and he became one of my best friends, albeit one with riddled with pangs of desire to be more than friends. but i guess to him i was just a girl who found comfort in sleeping with boys. which to an extent is true and is true about a lot of the guys that ive slept with over the years, but not him. not him at all. i dont think ive ever acknowledged in words that i was in love with him until right now, but i was. he meant so much to me and now that trust that id had in him is crumbling.

ive never felt like i misread a situation as badly as i misread this one. where do i go from here?

buzzing

Competing feelings of heaviness and lightness occupy my chest.

They have lived there for a few years now.

A buzzing feeling. Unable to sit, unable to stand, unable to express.

Unclassifiable anxiety of an unknown source.

There are decisions to make, but which is the right one? Easier to sit in a paralyzed haze, hoping for an easy way out.

Clarity seems distant, unreachable, as though it were taunting me.

I used to find my own thoughts intriguing.

Now they seem to be haunting me.