Heatwave

the heatwave just broke, leaving in its wake an autumnal chill. it was a bonding experience, where all the small talk could revolve easily around a common lack of air conditioning, a drive to find the coolest spots, sweat stains and cold showers. everyone was experiencing the same painful slog.

but its cool now.

A Letter Unsent

I’m writing this down just because my head is full with thoughts and it’s making it impossible to sleep. I most likely won’t end up sending this to you, but I needed to these thoughts out of my head. I don’t really know how it happened, but I started thinking about the events that ended our friendship over two years ago. I honestly hardly ever think about it anymore, as I’m sure you don’t either, because, as I learned tonight, it’s just very painful. I met a woman in Croatia last summer who told me that whoever said time heals all wounds was lying, that in fact, nothing becomes less painful no matter how much time has gone by.

I’m thinking of how many times I tried to get you to talk to me, to forgive me, and I realize now I was wrong to do so. Once, you asked me to simply leave you alone, and I did not respect that wish. I was so consumed with grief and regret and the desperation to make things right that I didn’t see that the right thing to do would just be to leave you alone. I’m only seeing it now because of how much it hurts to think of what happened, even though it was a long time ago. I don’t think the pain will ever go away, or diminish, the pain we both felt from what I did. Even if we tried to be friends again, or tried to talk it out, it would always be there. I should have just left you alone, and I’m so sorry I didn’t do that, and I just need you to know that, even if it’s a couple years too late, I realize now that’s what I should have done.

i should be floating but i'm weighted by thinking

ive been in venice 25 days. i barely remember what i was before this. things just warped so quickly here. my dreams are filled with the faces i see everyday, faces of the past slipping away. the first few days feel like they were years ago. people i met a mere 25 days ago know some of the most intimate details of my life. people know things i dont know if i've told even my closest, oldest friends. they witnessed me having a break down over my mother, reaching the point where enough was enough. i hope i'll be friends with some of these people for years to come. i know they'll always be happy faces to spot on campus. but this isnt real life. none of us are who we usually are. we're all living in a suspended reality.

its gonna take me a while to bounce back after this.

The Beach House

As soon as my mother backed out of the driveway I ran upstairs and hot boxed my bedroom. I’m completely alone, two blocks away from the beach. I have to look for a job tomorrow and my family’s arriving this weekend, but today is all mine. I think I favor the solitude…in some ways. Without any distractions I can think more clearly. I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette on the balcony then go take pictures of the ocean. It’s not quite raining outside, so it’s misty and gray and beautiful. Maybe I’ll play the guitar later. There’s no internet connection. I want to read so many books. At the moment I’m listening to Beach House and I’m a little pissed because I forgot the cord that connects my computer to my speakers. Oh and now I’m smoking a cigarette on the balcony. It feels so weird living, even just temporarily, on my own. My mom is coming to get a job here in a few weeks, but I don’t want to think about that right now. At school I’m always surrounded by people, and at home I have parental authority in the form of my dad, but here I’m just alone. It’s kind of profoundly relaxing. I really needed this. I’m excited to see my mom’s side of the family more often. This house really brings us all together, and means so much to everyone. And in two months I’ll go back to the Balkans for a whole month! First is the Hope House in Fuzine, Croatia, where I’ll be reunited with so many people I love. Then I’m returning with Minela to her home in Sarajevo, Bosnia. She is such an astounding person and friend and I’m so grateful that we will once again be able to spend time together. Last year at Renewing Our Minds, the peace conference at which my grandfather spoke for eleven years, Minela and I became as close as sisters in just two days. This year I’m returning without my grandfather. Even though the prospect of traveling alone is exhilarating, I’ll miss his comforting presence and words of wisdom. I think this summer I’m going to become more independent, hopefully. I feel nervous about being on my own in this way for three whole months, but I think it’ll change my life in great ways. And a fun summer will help pass the time until I’m reunited with my family of friends at University of Mary Washington. I miss them a lot, but our friendships are time and distance resistant. I know that when I see them again it will be as if no time passed since the last time we were at school together.

Haha, a big truck and a small car just passed each other on the street and stopped. The man in the truck leaned out and said “Drive on your own side of the road, why don’t you, you short little fuck!” It was obvious that they were really good friends though, because they started chatting about Cape May. I’m glad I was a part of the moment, as a balcony witness. Balconies are always where I feel most at home.

You know, you know, we belong by the stream, to the dawn

yesterday i stood on the top of a mountain in the alps with a boy i had met less than a week before. we thought the world was ending that night, right as that day slipped into the next. we had no obligations, no fears, no regrets, no worries, no pasts. as we sat on rocks overlooking valleys and peaks, snapping pictures, he asked me what song was stuck in my head. it hailed. we barely spoke on the first half of our journey home and then at some point shared a bottle of wine and talked about existence while and italian woman glared at us and two brits dove into their own debate. we floated around venice, our home, eventually bumping into people we knew.

i can feel this experience changing me. if for absolutely nothing else at some point i'll run into this guy who i spent the best day of my life with.

so here i am. on this cusp of a journey that i should be madly excited about but im just not. im not excitd to go to italy. i have to deal with so much bullshit while im there and all i want to do is be home and chill the fuck out for i while. i got so overwhelmed at school towards the end i just desperately needed to come home and have no obligations or stresses for a long time. i couldnt deal with the person i was needing to become so i acted out irrationally to it by smoking a ton of weed and not functioning. i never went to one of my classes except for the final. i almost just fucking failed without even trying at all. and i was ok with it. i laughed about it with people. i just fucked up so hard i need to regroup. i need to have some time where im not stressing. i have a million more things to do and each and everyday i do nothing and they just pile up until their deadlines pass and i just accept that i never did them.

i feel like im growing up and just letting everything slip away for a while. im in that moment of zero gravity right before you fall. you know youre going down but youre just blissed out for a while, enjoying the view, then theres the crash of reconnecting. i know my crash is coming and theres nothing i can do about it. things are starting to go wrong rapidly. i think im making a huge mistake running around this summer and beyond. im not ready for this kind of responsibility and life changes. im so fucking sick of change. i havent stayed in the same place for 6 years. i just want to chill out and get used to things and comfortable in them before im ripped away from them and thrown into whole new situations.

i think the fact that i have this random, scattered life contributes to the face that i think about life as a very momentary thing. i dont think about the past or the future because i cant, i always just have to be adapting to the way things are in the moment.

the other day i was driving around with claire and we were talking about really deep things and just driving down the perfect road for thinking and that ed sharpe song home was playing and for some reason it just felt like the most perfect vision of home i ever could have imagined. i was just exactly where i wanted to be.

i dont want to leave home for a while. i want to settle in. i want to have everything i want at my disposal. im sick of travelling. im full of trepidation. i just cant switch anymore. i dont feel like a whole person. im really really in over my head right now.

5 am cold sweats waking up to the skies

pulled my first all nighter of the semester on the very last night of it.
found myself walking empty streets cloaked in a heavy fog at 5 am, going to the 24 hour kinkos.
wound up in a car with three kids from my class, all of us drugged with lack of sleep.
it was a two minute drive back.
but we got lost, going the wrong way on one way streets.
the tops of sky scrapers disappeared into the fog.
it was supposed to be thunderstorming.
loud, bass heavy rap blared from the speakers as we careened through the streets.
we stopped short at every light, lurched around corners, backed up to change course.
we wound up in a tunnel, then on a highway.
pursuit of happiness came on.
it was a perfect way to end the year. so calm, so beautiful, so unexpected.