A Letter Unsent

I’m writing this down just because my head is full with thoughts and it’s making it impossible to sleep. I most likely won’t end up sending this to you, but I needed to these thoughts out of my head. I don’t really know how it happened, but I started thinking about the events that ended our friendship over two years ago. I honestly hardly ever think about it anymore, as I’m sure you don’t either, because, as I learned tonight, it’s just very painful. I met a woman in Croatia last summer who told me that whoever said time heals all wounds was lying, that in fact, nothing becomes less painful no matter how much time has gone by.

I’m thinking of how many times I tried to get you to talk to me, to forgive me, and I realize now I was wrong to do so. Once, you asked me to simply leave you alone, and I did not respect that wish. I was so consumed with grief and regret and the desperation to make things right that I didn’t see that the right thing to do would just be to leave you alone. I’m only seeing it now because of how much it hurts to think of what happened, even though it was a long time ago. I don’t think the pain will ever go away, or diminish, the pain we both felt from what I did. Even if we tried to be friends again, or tried to talk it out, it would always be there. I should have just left you alone, and I’m so sorry I didn’t do that, and I just need you to know that, even if it’s a couple years too late, I realize now that’s what I should have done.

i should be floating but i'm weighted by thinking

ive been in venice 25 days. i barely remember what i was before this. things just warped so quickly here. my dreams are filled with the faces i see everyday, faces of the past slipping away. the first few days feel like they were years ago. people i met a mere 25 days ago know some of the most intimate details of my life. people know things i dont know if i've told even my closest, oldest friends. they witnessed me having a break down over my mother, reaching the point where enough was enough. i hope i'll be friends with some of these people for years to come. i know they'll always be happy faces to spot on campus. but this isnt real life. none of us are who we usually are. we're all living in a suspended reality.

its gonna take me a while to bounce back after this.