Heatwave

the heatwave just broke, leaving in its wake an autumnal chill. it was a bonding experience, where all the small talk could revolve easily around a common lack of air conditioning, a drive to find the coolest spots, sweat stains and cold showers. everyone was experiencing the same painful slog.

but its cool now.

A Letter Unsent

I’m writing this down just because my head is full with thoughts and it’s making it impossible to sleep. I most likely won’t end up sending this to you, but I needed to these thoughts out of my head. I don’t really know how it happened, but I started thinking about the events that ended our friendship over two years ago. I honestly hardly ever think about it anymore, as I’m sure you don’t either, because, as I learned tonight, it’s just very painful. I met a woman in Croatia last summer who told me that whoever said time heals all wounds was lying, that in fact, nothing becomes less painful no matter how much time has gone by.

I’m thinking of how many times I tried to get you to talk to me, to forgive me, and I realize now I was wrong to do so. Once, you asked me to simply leave you alone, and I did not respect that wish. I was so consumed with grief and regret and the desperation to make things right that I didn’t see that the right thing to do would just be to leave you alone. I’m only seeing it now because of how much it hurts to think of what happened, even though it was a long time ago. I don’t think the pain will ever go away, or diminish, the pain we both felt from what I did. Even if we tried to be friends again, or tried to talk it out, it would always be there. I should have just left you alone, and I’m so sorry I didn’t do that, and I just need you to know that, even if it’s a couple years too late, I realize now that’s what I should have done.

i should be floating but i'm weighted by thinking

ive been in venice 25 days. i barely remember what i was before this. things just warped so quickly here. my dreams are filled with the faces i see everyday, faces of the past slipping away. the first few days feel like they were years ago. people i met a mere 25 days ago know some of the most intimate details of my life. people know things i dont know if i've told even my closest, oldest friends. they witnessed me having a break down over my mother, reaching the point where enough was enough. i hope i'll be friends with some of these people for years to come. i know they'll always be happy faces to spot on campus. but this isnt real life. none of us are who we usually are. we're all living in a suspended reality.

its gonna take me a while to bounce back after this.

The Beach House

As soon as my mother backed out of the driveway I ran upstairs and hot boxed my bedroom. I’m completely alone, two blocks away from the beach. I have to look for a job tomorrow and my family’s arriving this weekend, but today is all mine. I think I favor the solitude…in some ways. Without any distractions I can think more clearly. I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette on the balcony then go take pictures of the ocean. It’s not quite raining outside, so it’s misty and gray and beautiful. Maybe I’ll play the guitar later. There’s no internet connection. I want to read so many books. At the moment I’m listening to Beach House and I’m a little pissed because I forgot the cord that connects my computer to my speakers. Oh and now I’m smoking a cigarette on the balcony. It feels so weird living, even just temporarily, on my own. My mom is coming to get a job here in a few weeks, but I don’t want to think about that right now. At school I’m always surrounded by people, and at home I have parental authority in the form of my dad, but here I’m just alone. It’s kind of profoundly relaxing. I really needed this. I’m excited to see my mom’s side of the family more often. This house really brings us all together, and means so much to everyone. And in two months I’ll go back to the Balkans for a whole month! First is the Hope House in Fuzine, Croatia, where I’ll be reunited with so many people I love. Then I’m returning with Minela to her home in Sarajevo, Bosnia. She is such an astounding person and friend and I’m so grateful that we will once again be able to spend time together. Last year at Renewing Our Minds, the peace conference at which my grandfather spoke for eleven years, Minela and I became as close as sisters in just two days. This year I’m returning without my grandfather. Even though the prospect of traveling alone is exhilarating, I’ll miss his comforting presence and words of wisdom. I think this summer I’m going to become more independent, hopefully. I feel nervous about being on my own in this way for three whole months, but I think it’ll change my life in great ways. And a fun summer will help pass the time until I’m reunited with my family of friends at University of Mary Washington. I miss them a lot, but our friendships are time and distance resistant. I know that when I see them again it will be as if no time passed since the last time we were at school together.

Haha, a big truck and a small car just passed each other on the street and stopped. The man in the truck leaned out and said “Drive on your own side of the road, why don’t you, you short little fuck!” It was obvious that they were really good friends though, because they started chatting about Cape May. I’m glad I was a part of the moment, as a balcony witness. Balconies are always where I feel most at home.

You know, you know, we belong by the stream, to the dawn

yesterday i stood on the top of a mountain in the alps with a boy i had met less than a week before. we thought the world was ending that night, right as that day slipped into the next. we had no obligations, no fears, no regrets, no worries, no pasts. as we sat on rocks overlooking valleys and peaks, snapping pictures, he asked me what song was stuck in my head. it hailed. we barely spoke on the first half of our journey home and then at some point shared a bottle of wine and talked about existence while and italian woman glared at us and two brits dove into their own debate. we floated around venice, our home, eventually bumping into people we knew.

i can feel this experience changing me. if for absolutely nothing else at some point i'll run into this guy who i spent the best day of my life with.

so here i am. on this cusp of a journey that i should be madly excited about but im just not. im not excitd to go to italy. i have to deal with so much bullshit while im there and all i want to do is be home and chill the fuck out for i while. i got so overwhelmed at school towards the end i just desperately needed to come home and have no obligations or stresses for a long time. i couldnt deal with the person i was needing to become so i acted out irrationally to it by smoking a ton of weed and not functioning. i never went to one of my classes except for the final. i almost just fucking failed without even trying at all. and i was ok with it. i laughed about it with people. i just fucked up so hard i need to regroup. i need to have some time where im not stressing. i have a million more things to do and each and everyday i do nothing and they just pile up until their deadlines pass and i just accept that i never did them.

i feel like im growing up and just letting everything slip away for a while. im in that moment of zero gravity right before you fall. you know youre going down but youre just blissed out for a while, enjoying the view, then theres the crash of reconnecting. i know my crash is coming and theres nothing i can do about it. things are starting to go wrong rapidly. i think im making a huge mistake running around this summer and beyond. im not ready for this kind of responsibility and life changes. im so fucking sick of change. i havent stayed in the same place for 6 years. i just want to chill out and get used to things and comfortable in them before im ripped away from them and thrown into whole new situations.

i think the fact that i have this random, scattered life contributes to the face that i think about life as a very momentary thing. i dont think about the past or the future because i cant, i always just have to be adapting to the way things are in the moment.

the other day i was driving around with claire and we were talking about really deep things and just driving down the perfect road for thinking and that ed sharpe song home was playing and for some reason it just felt like the most perfect vision of home i ever could have imagined. i was just exactly where i wanted to be.

i dont want to leave home for a while. i want to settle in. i want to have everything i want at my disposal. im sick of travelling. im full of trepidation. i just cant switch anymore. i dont feel like a whole person. im really really in over my head right now.

5 am cold sweats waking up to the skies

pulled my first all nighter of the semester on the very last night of it.
found myself walking empty streets cloaked in a heavy fog at 5 am, going to the 24 hour kinkos.
wound up in a car with three kids from my class, all of us drugged with lack of sleep.
it was a two minute drive back.
but we got lost, going the wrong way on one way streets.
the tops of sky scrapers disappeared into the fog.
it was supposed to be thunderstorming.
loud, bass heavy rap blared from the speakers as we careened through the streets.
we stopped short at every light, lurched around corners, backed up to change course.
we wound up in a tunnel, then on a highway.
pursuit of happiness came on.
it was a perfect way to end the year. so calm, so beautiful, so unexpected.

My apartment is filled with laundry and garbage.
There is a bicycle in the kitchen near the window.
A mattress on the floor of the bedroom.
And a smaller mattress leaning against the wall.
The floor is covered in a thin layer of rolling tobacco.
Three crates of vinyl albums in the main living area serve as a table for our things to accumulate.
Guitars and backpacks and shoes and crayons.
CDs and a chair and a rolling machine perched on a laundry basket.
The glade plugin radiates freshness and the scented candle has no scent.
Clutter is slowly closing in.
There is no lack of love.
It is a home.

Awestruck

Today I was driving around in my car and I started thinking about all the things in my life that are just so amazing. I have the best father I could ever dream of. I have sisters that are my best friends. I'm doing well in school, it's spring time, and all of the sudden I have the best boyfriend I could ever possibly dream of. He's the one for me, and I've never been so happy. As I realized how much I love each person in my life and felt it, I began to cry. I've never cried from happiness before. It was amazing.

All of the sudden my life has begun. I can't even say how grateful I am. I'm so grateful for this life. My life, others' lives...and the way they fit together so perfectly.

Life's Changes

Life can change so fast, from just one little act, one decision. I never really realized how much I invest in what I expect and assume to be the course of life for myself and the people around me. The fact that something that happens in one day can change a lifetime is rather scary. Lingering five seconds longer at a stop sign can save or kill you. So much is invested in random occurances. As humans, we are very adaptable to changes, we have to be. If this new path plays out the way I assume it will, life will be so different in just less than a year. I don't think we realize how crazy our choices make life until one choice someone makes hits you straight in the face and you say... wow, her life is really going to change forever with either decicison she chooses. There really may be no choice at all. It's crazy... there's so much more than I expect there to be and there are so many things in life that I take for granted.

http://myparentswereawesome.tumblr.com

i wonder how many of these people thought these pictures would be pictures of someones parents when they were taken.

pictures are weird leftovers of the past. they show a moment of wonderment, a moment where no one's thinking of their future looking back, simply the moment theyre in.

think about all the pictures we have of ourselves and how many of them show defunct relationships, or relationships that have changed.

Honesty: A Terzanelle

The spring rain washed me to this shore.
I took a photograph of my hand
before my footprints walked away.

We skipped school to explore the land,
hiding in the field under purple smoke.
I took a photograph of my hand.

Hours went by before I spoke,
in silence you hear the songs of old souls,
hiding in the field under purple smoke.

Doing drugs? Or just smoking meditative bowls.
Inhale deep, hold your breath, exhale in one...two...three...four-
in silence you hear the songs of old souls.

Lying flat, on my back, on the floor,
I raised my feet above my head.
Inhale deep, hold your breath, exhale in one...two...three...four..

Meditation, doing yoga or smoking doja, time fled.
The spring rain washed me to this shore,
I raised my feet above my head
before my footprints walked away.

we all wear masks. we have so many different people we need to be each and every day we have to. we dont have a choice. we wear these masks and slowly we just become separate entities. we become the people we need to be to cope with what we have to do. sometimes the masks are good and picking up little pieces of them is beneficial. sometimes theyre destructive, covering up inherit good qualities with nasty ones. its rare when we dont have to wear a mask. they're why we feel uncomfortable when our parents meet our friends or we hang out with our friends friends who we've never met before. everyone is someone different to each and every person.

i don't understand the whole pro-life vs. pro-choice thing. pro-life? is anyone against life? and pro-choice? can't you just choose life?

i don't think i could ever get an abortion. i've always thought i was pro-choice, but tonight i started really thinking about it. all people do these days is overturn nature, cut down trees, defy gravity, et cetera. pregnancy is one of the most beautiful and natural things out there...it's the creation of new life.

i know there are exceptions, like rape victims most legitimately, but really, can't all those other people just choose not to get pregnant in the first place? it's not like it's hard to use a condom or take birth control pills. if you're not in a good time of your life to have a baby...then don't get pregnant. make that choice. to me, abortion is just another way for people to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

and yet, i have no idea what i would do if i found out i was pregnant.....besides smoke a blunt....and maybe drink a 40......i would probably end up having to get an abortion

It's all by chance

Isn't it crazy to think, why am I here? The idea that the only reason why I exist is because in 1039AD in some  northern area we call Scotland a man named _____ wanted to have sex with his wife _____ at precisely 3:05pm in the afternoon. If "that event" hadn't occurred, their child wouldn't have occurred, and thus my relatives and myself wouldn't have occured. If ____ man in "Scotland" had decided to use his sexually drive that day on his mistress instead of his wife, or whomever, than maybe this world would have never seen George Washington, Marie Antoinette, Stalin, Hilter, etc. Is life really this random? If my mom hadn't decided to take ___ class at George Mason University she would never had met _____ who introduced her to my Dad. So much randomness. Sometimes I have to just sit back and think, wow, how crazy and insane is it that I actually even exist!? It's wild. It's incomprehensible! If groups of warriors didn't raid towns and rape villages, so many of us would not be here. So much violence, but also happiness, is the reason we exist. The entire world, the entire situation we see around us is all by chance. Maybe nothing was meant to be, maybe we're all here by random, and if so should we consider ourselves lucky?

Tell me what you know about them night terrors every night

i live in a constant dream state. numb out and dissociate with real life. watch through a hazy veil. nothing ever close enough to hurt me too bad. a false sense of security that if it ever gets too bad i can just wake up and it'll all be a fading memory.

but now i have trouble realizing what is and isnt a dream. i can't shake the dreams and the dreams creep into life. things happen and i dont know if it was dream me or real me or if theres even really that much of a difference. nothing is really a concrete memory, just fast fading little flashes. the story lines never quite add up and i'm not sure how i arrive to different settings. things seem close to reality but just a little bit off, a little bit too fantastic, a little bit too plastic, a little bit static. my emotions catapult as i hurtle through different stages of dreams.

the dreams are all turning into nightmares. i cant wake up so im getting pushed deeper and deeper into the depths of my subconscious and the darkness that lies there. my intentions have never been clearer to me. my hints i didnt even know i was giving are becoming obvious. every time i realizes its too big to be real and wake up im just in another nightmare. they always start innocuous but then slowly they twist to terror. they slip in and out as they get to be too much. i never know how i end up places.

death by hangover

lying in my bed perusing chinese food menus because the thought of walking all the way to seaco for brunch is not at all appealing to me right now. i have become a full blown cliche.

lovesickness- the overwhelming feeling of longing you get when you find someone you want to know absolutely everything about. that obsessive want to be around someone. that tingly pang right in your heart. that stab of excitement and fear when you see the back of a head from afar or a similar hoodie. hurts, but in a good way.

Despite so many good things happening this week... I just find myself upset. For the first time in five years my step sister has actually said she wants to work on our relationship and try and start anew. But even with good news like my parents moving to their dream house, I find myself almost suffocating with different emotions I don't understand.

I feel like a robot... every day, every week, the same. school, work, class, work, school, etc. Although I do so much for so many people, especially in my position of a club-president, I feel like I'm the one that's the most judged.  People are becoming exhausting.  My friends at school see me as a leader, the go-to person, the one with the ideas. They look at me for help and advice, but when it's my turn for help, I rarely get it.  Sisters tell me what to do and don't' give me the time of day to explain myself. Sometimes I just want positive feedback, to be told "good job!" but I'm usually judge. I'm judge for who I like, who I defend, what I'm studying, what I'm doing this summer.

Isn't it easier to drop judgement? Take away grudges and forgive? We are all people who deserve to be respected, loved, and befriend. Sometimes being the loud one, the decision maker, makes you forgotten. I want to go back to the days when I had very few friends... in lots of ways that's a lot easier to handle.

I'm on a boat

Sure, I have morals, I swear.
Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I'll start to believe it.

Sure, he might break up with his girlfriend.
But of that, I choose to remain skeptical.

This sucks.

On the bright side, I'm writing this while lying in the inflatable boat that resides in my dorm room. How many people can say that? I'll tell you: not many. That's what will get me through this. Every time I see them together, I'll think to myself, "Well, she might have him but I have a boat".

Is it bad that as soon as I wrote that I decided that the next time I make out with him I want it to be in the boat?

There will be no next time there will be no next time there will be no next time there will be no next time there will be no next time.

Maybe if I tell myself that enough, I'll start to believe it.

the monster was happy when they made him a maze

i am so unbelievably privileged. and i never really realize just how much so until little things hit me and i realize... not everyone can be sitting in their $5000 dorm apartment at a great school in a major city receiving mail with checks and good natured gifts from their mother theyve treated like shit for the past four years, drinking coffee paid for by their parents, stoned from weed paid for by their parents, after getting out of a class paid for by their parents, emailing their parents about a trip to italy and blogging about shit on their macbook with ray bans sitting in view, and only worrying how to respond to an awkward facebook message from a boy they kissed once and will probably only see three more times in their entire life and how hard theyre crushing for their new friend/drug dealer.

like who the fuck gets to do that on a daily basis. shouldnt i be worried about real things? shouldnt i be worried about paying my bills? getting to my job on time? wondering if the shitty school im going to because it was all i could pay for will actually land me a job in this economy? how did i get so lucky that my biggest concern is boys?

i'm so lucky. and i never just sit an appreciate my life. i never appreciate how much ive had handed to me. that i have time to be aware of random tid bits of information because i never have that much to do that i cant just look at things. that i'm never really screwed, despite how hard i sometimes try to get that way. i was just born into a life where overall, more good things than bad have kept happening that i'm always ok.

there are so many people who deserve to be lucky. why me?

About Love

I am head over heels in love and now I know why. The reason was there all along, it has been for years, but somehow I didn’t appreciate it for what it was until now. For as long as remember, I have been a closeted hopeless romantic. I guess the reason I’ve never felt anxious about what I’m going to do with my life after school is because I have always seen a job as second to what I am really meant to do in life; love someone and be with them until I die. It sounds a little cliché, a little too of the idealized prince charming sort of situation, but only if you think solely about romantic love. What I have come to realize however is that true romances aren’t based on romantic love, their foundations are of platonic love. Platonic love is underrated. There are so many people in our lives we feel platonic love for, but somehow it becomes taboo to express it too often, as if it is a sign of weakness to tell someone you love them platonically except for on certain special occasions. But in reality, platonic love is a ground-shaking, soul-altering phenomenon of the purest love imaginable. Perhaps the fact that it is hidden most of the time gives it the ability to bring tears to the eyes of friends and family when we verbally express our platonic love. The best relationships are founded on platonic love. Before I started dating my boyfriend, we were friends. And though it has taken a while for us to say those three words, “I love you,” I realized that I have loved him for years. And that love hasn’t changed. Platonic love doesn’t give way to romantic love; it just enhances it even more. Sometimes it amazes that one person can feel so many types of love at once without their heart bursting with sheer bliss. It makes me wonder, what would this world be like if everyone was more open about loving each other in all ways possible? Tomorrow I am going to tell someone I love them, really love them. I don’t know yet who it will be. But when I tell them, it’s not for an occasion, not for a reason. Love needs no reason, it is reason enough.

The First Night

The First Night,


By Billy Collins.

The worst thing about death must be
          the first night.
                    —Juan Ramón Jiménez

Before I opened you, Jiménez,
it never occurred to me that day and night
would continue to circle each other in the ring of death,

but now you have me wondering
if there will also be a sun and a moon
and will the dead gather to watch them rise and set

then repair, each soul alone,
to some ghastly equivalent of a bed.
Or will the first night be the only night,

a darkness for which we have no other name?
How feeble our vocabulary in the face of death,
How impossible to write it down.

This is where language will stop,
the horse we have ridden all our lives
rearing up at the edge of a dizzying cliff.

The word that was in the beginning
and the word that was made flesh—
those and all the other words will cease.

Even now, reading you on this trellised porch,
how can I describe a sun that will shine after death?
But it is enough to frighten me

into paying more attention to the world’s day-moon,
to sunlight bright on water
or fragmented in a grove of trees,

and to look more closely here at these small leaves,
these sentinel thorns,
whose employment it is to guard the rose

they dont pay like they used to pay

in a little more than eight days, i'll be 20. 20 is too old. im not ready for 20. im still a kid. im not a grown up. im not in my 20's. i dont want to be a 20something. i cant be. im still trying to find something, anything, to have meaning. i cant start thinking about the fact that the people im around may be finding their life mates and starting jobs that lead to careers and arent just a way to pass time at a time when time is all we have and make enough money to pay for dinners out and partying. im not ready for electrical bills and dogs. thats too much like real life. let me keep snoozing and keep this dream alive.

Life is fleeting but it lingers forever

Tonight, or this morning I suppose, I remembered two winters ago.

I want to run away sometimes. I need to run away sometimes. I actually did run away, just once before, in the dead winter of my senior year. I disappeared with a boy I thought I loved to the countryside and spent the whole weekend staring at the stars. I spent the whole weekend staring at the moon. I was hypnotized.

Nobody knew where I was. For a weekend I existed solely on that farm and nowhere else. My problems couldn’t find me, so I forgot about them entirely. The overwhelming beauty of the winter sky didn’t have room for them and neither did I. With every star visible and the biggest full moon in nine years, my world shone and my heart basked in the light. I shone for the first time in a long time, almost as if I, like the stars above my head, could only shine in the countryside. I’ll never forget it.

I’ll never forget the urge to leave everything behind, even if it’s just for a little while. I want to stand under the stars in the earth shattering cold again. I want to stand still, frozen in disbelief, once more, as I listen to the deafening silence of the natural world. I want to feel the rush of freedom just one more time. It's a feeling I'd do anything for.

If I close my eyes and think hard enough I find myself back on the farm, always at night. I find myself walking in a trance down the path leading toward the farmhouse. I find myself standing underneath a solitary tree in the field, staring into the eyes of the pony again. I find myself feeling safe. I find myself gaping at the perfect, vast, circle of clouds that encompassed the moon my last night in the country. I find myself identifying constellations and stars in a dreamlike moment of clarity, the need for a planetarium obsolete. I find myself talking to an old friend, my companion in isolation. I find myself talking about everything. I find myself, if I think hard enough.

Nevertheless, every winter I want to run away. Every winter I need to run away. Because no matter what I find myself running toward, I know I’ll end up staring up at the stars. I know I’ll discover a sense of awe and wonder that slows the rotation of my forever spinning mind, giving me a glimpse of perfection. It’s a perfection that I can only find in nature and all of its imperfections. When I become immersed in nature, when I take my place as a part of nature, I can see that perfection within myself. I can see that perfection within my endless imperfections. The moment is fleeting but it lingers forever.

The winter is fleeting but it lingers forever. The same is true of the spring, summer, and fall. Each season falls into place within a time which has no end. Each season falls into place within our minds as a memory of the past, as a memory of the times we’ve run away, and, more importantly, as a memory of the inevitable return. I want to run away more than anything, just so that I may find my way back.

I've been here almost a month.
This is the first time I've felt lonely.
Those whom I love are far away, but they've never felt this far.
It is hard to feel love right now.
Losing energy and feeling sluggish.
Zombielike
Going through the motions of being happy while having no motivation to make myself happy.
I feel like I'm sixteen-
The worst year of my life.

Logically, I know this will pass, but I wish it would hurry up and do so before I do something seriously damaging to my future, mental health, or hair.

It's like he's a song that's stuck in my head

and I can't get him out. This is a disaster. What's even more annoying is that I don't care that it's probably going to end badly, that I'm most likely going to get hurt. All I care about is when I'll get to see him next. The feeling I get whenever he smiles at me in that way he does, a smile that says the words we can't say, is worth it all.

I can't do this though. I can't be the girl who pursues a guy who's already someone else's boyfriend. Even if they're totally unhappy together. Even if I've never seen him smile at her the way he smiles at me.

My head is spinning.

Why do you ignore me? Where did you go?

Celestial Musings

If I have your heart then I don't need your soul
Think once, think twice
Never stop thinking
It is all right.

I hope that all my friends and family got out to look at the moon tonight
Beautiful and full.

I hope that all my friends and family appreciate their skyline as much as I do mine
A pink, hazy glow emerges over the tops of lush green palms
A bright, full moon hangs still in a vast, velvet sky
mirrored in a vast, glittering river
bustling with movement and mystery.

Thinking about the beauty of a moment
Fleeting but eternal
Meaning something different to everyone.

I gaze at that ivory orb sitting high in the sky
suspended safely in the universe
I lean, embraced by a swaying tree
Dragging on an ill advised rush
high on the promise of life and unending uncertainty
Suspended safely by my love.

Souls are not meant to be posessed
not meant to be contained
If I contain mine, and you contain yours
Then we can fly side by side

A glowing smile symbolizes that which is the truth
We hold each other's hearts
We hold each other's hands
We admire each other's souls
Together we soar

Martin Luther King Day

Today is Martin Luther King day. A national holiday. But what is the focus of this day? I would venture to say that for most it is not a celebration of a truly visionary man who did more than his share to making this world a better place, rather is is a celebration of a day off from work, a day of no classes. A celebration of lying around and basking in the privilege of middle to upper class America. MLK is probably rolling in his grave right now with the knowledge that some of the most visionary, radical, capable people of this generation are spending today lying around, checking up on each other's weekend party pictures rather than doing anything meaningful with their lives. What is unfathomable to me is that these same people rant about what is wrong with the world, diagnosing social and political ills from the comfort of their well-furnished homes. I'm not trying to exclude myself from this crowd, because I've been there before, many a time. But a slew of conversations with my friends and peers about what is wrong with society and the world in general has made me realize how much potential this generation has if we would only get our ideas out of the lava lamp discussion circle and into the real world. Its time to stop bitching and start doing. MLK once said, "Change does not ride in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle." So start struggling today for change. Make plans. Become informed. Get radical. Let's make it happen.

why? because he was a question mark. and i hate question marks. i hate them hovering above my head, big markers of my indecision. i love the finality of a period, of a question resolutely answered. he was an ocean of a what if, swelling and falling with feelings unresolved. i needed the feel of his body against mine to move forward.

ice cubes and comedy shows, my fingers raking through his hair as we talked about my family. a lingering glance before we slept. we were so close before a door separated us, a physical wall cutting the tension passing through our bodies.

i had to make sure i wasnt missing out on love. so i let myself slip. i gave in. i knew exactly what i was doing. i knew bowls and bottles would lead to beds. i've never been much for the slow burn.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

I want there to be leaves on the trees again.

Perhaps

I might be a lonely girl, but I feel free
I might be afraid of this, but I feel charged
My feet might be faltering, but I'm floating in the sky
My brain might be rotting, but my mind is expanding

I might be in love with you, but could I ever have felt this way had I stayed?
I might miss you terribly, but I might like that
Or I might like the fact that you miss me back

Hello Out There

Hello all, this isn't a real post, but I thought now would be a good time to reconnect with everyone who is contributing since its the start of a new year. Its always awesome to read the posts of everyone that I know through the blog, even if we've never met, so let's all keep up with expanding our horizons and honing our expressive skills through the blog. On that note, I know we don't really have any followers, but I thought even if we just started commented on each other's work it could be really constructive to discuss some of the posts. There are some really interesting ideas and thoughts being put out there that we could definitely take farther, and its always helpful to receive constructive praise/criticism from fellow writers about style and such. So I hope everyone keeps posting, and that we can get to know each other a little better by having some comments and discussion too!