whats worth keeping, suns still sinking.

sometimes you have to just love those terribly minor players in your life who make all the difference. it only takes one conversation for everything to come into light and for new perspectives to change everything you thought you knew. there's so much complexity in our lives sometimes the people most wrapped up in the same complexities can't even comprehend them better or as much as you. you just get swept up and you cant see anything for what it is and it all gets lost. but then there are the fringe people- the people gently swept up in your tornado but the centers of another tornado entirely- who can see the whole tornado of your life and tell you just whats going on. those people make all the difference. they're the people you see a few times a year, if that, who you're friends on facebook with, maybe, but you would never ever text a mass holiday greeting to, the people you know as someone elses friend who you kind of know but you couldnt say what his hands look like. they know about your life but they dont play a major role. they can say things so flippantly but that make all the difference as you sit back and process what theyve really said. they force you to look at your reality from theyre perspective and see the flaws and all the beautiful things youre missing.

i ran into one of those people at the beginning of this break. i was expecting to just say hey, maybe a hows school conversation, or maybe just eye contact and then mutually agreeing itd be better not to acknowledge the fact that we know each other at all. but we ended up saying hello. and then we wound up chatting for a half an hour about people we both used to know, music, roommates, city schools with co-ops and pressure to know what youre life is going to look like. and i realized that my mistakes are starting to outnumber my triumphs. im tired of making the wrong decision all the time. im tired of storming through doors and leaving this wake of drafts by all the doors i leave open and hanging from their hinges. i want to close doors behind me. the gaping lack of closure in my life is driving me mad and forcing me to constantly reel through my past bad decisions while i try and fall asleep at night. its what makes that tight, sickly ball in the pit of my stomach that drives my hand into my pocket to clasp that stupid little blue box with stupid little leaves wrapped up in a stupid little piece of paper and strike my calloused thumb against that stupid little piece of metal so a stupid little flame pops up and my stupid little tensions can get chemically erased.

sometimes people know things about you that will surprise you. they can tell you your next move, but not how the transition happens. so you forget they ever told you at all until all of a sudden you realize just how right they were. maybe thats growing up. everyone following in the same predictable patterns and just realizing at different rates where they are and who they are. everyone is a type. no one is original and everything we do someone has done before.