so here i am. on this cusp of a journey that i should be madly excited about but im just not. im not excitd to go to italy. i have to deal with so much bullshit while im there and all i want to do is be home and chill the fuck out for i while. i got so overwhelmed at school towards the end i just desperately needed to come home and have no obligations or stresses for a long time. i couldnt deal with the person i was needing to become so i acted out irrationally to it by smoking a ton of weed and not functioning. i never went to one of my classes except for the final. i almost just fucking failed without even trying at all. and i was ok with it. i laughed about it with people. i just fucked up so hard i need to regroup. i need to have some time where im not stressing. i have a million more things to do and each and everyday i do nothing and they just pile up until their deadlines pass and i just accept that i never did them.

i feel like im growing up and just letting everything slip away for a while. im in that moment of zero gravity right before you fall. you know youre going down but youre just blissed out for a while, enjoying the view, then theres the crash of reconnecting. i know my crash is coming and theres nothing i can do about it. things are starting to go wrong rapidly. i think im making a huge mistake running around this summer and beyond. im not ready for this kind of responsibility and life changes. im so fucking sick of change. i havent stayed in the same place for 6 years. i just want to chill out and get used to things and comfortable in them before im ripped away from them and thrown into whole new situations.

i think the fact that i have this random, scattered life contributes to the face that i think about life as a very momentary thing. i dont think about the past or the future because i cant, i always just have to be adapting to the way things are in the moment.

the other day i was driving around with claire and we were talking about really deep things and just driving down the perfect road for thinking and that ed sharpe song home was playing and for some reason it just felt like the most perfect vision of home i ever could have imagined. i was just exactly where i wanted to be.

i dont want to leave home for a while. i want to settle in. i want to have everything i want at my disposal. im sick of travelling. im full of trepidation. i just cant switch anymore. i dont feel like a whole person. im really really in over my head right now.