At age 3 my musical training began with the piano. For five years I had weekly lessons with my father, who educated me mercilessly until I was 8 years old and I made the decision to receive private instruction in the Cello. I played the cello for eight years, trained by the best cellists in the Washington D.C. area. Everyone thought I would end up at a top music school and have a successful career as a cellist. Until I was 16 and quit the cello for double bass lessons...the pressure was just too much. They called me talented, they called me a genius, but I didn't know if I loved the cello or if people loved me because of the cello...so I quit. I played the bass for three years, then at 18 I decided I wanted to play the guitar...I had two lessons, my teacher told me I showed great promise...then I quit.
I started reading chapter books when I was 3 years old. At age 9 I decided I wanted to read every book that was ever written. Whenever I wasn't practicing the cello, or at my private art classes my dad arranged, I read. I read one book a day for a year, each one no shorter than 300 or 400 pages. I read three hundred and sixty five books that year. I wrote several unfinished novels of my own that year.
It was at that point, now in the 5th grade, that I realized I had no interest in school. It occurred to me that the assignments were mundane, stupid, standardized, and a complete waste of my time. I stopped doing school work. At home I steam rolled through books and studied the cello, sometimes tinkering on the piano. I quit my art classes, I just could never draw people's noses. I still can't.
In the sixth grade I took up martial arts. I started living at the Tae Kwon Do academy on top of my cello lessons, got one belt away from being a black belt, and quit.
Freshman year of high school I tried out ice skating lessons. The old lady in my class skated backwards faster than I could. I quit.
Freshman year of college I decided to teach myself how to play the guitar. Over the course of that semester I failed three classes but I'm now more advanced at the guitar than others who have played for as brief a time as me. You won't see that on my transcript.
Piano lessons, cello lessons, bass lessons, those two guitar lessons, chess club, art lessons, ice skating lessons, Tae Kwon Do, raging attempts to become a future class author, hundreds of books, hours mastering the strategy of the card game Hearts, scrabble fever, hundreds of hours trying to teach myself the guitar.
These days I hide from my talents. I rebel against my potential. Because I'm scared. People used to call me a genius, used to praise my talents, and my potential...and I disappointed them by leaving it all behind.
I want to be more than what I can do. I want to be good at something because it makes ME happy, not so that they can put me on stage again. Is that selfish?
But then why do I get so mad when people doubt my intelligence, or call me lazy? Maybe I need to stop hiding from myself. I think I'm just scared because people used to call me a genius, used to praise my talents, my potential...and I disappointed myself by leaving it all behind.
I'm so fucking sick of my potential. But what if I do something with it and my worst fear comes true, the one that I've never told anyone of?
My worst fear is that I'll find out I'm ordinary...mediocre...normal. My worst fear is that I'll find out that they were wrong about me. My worst fear is that I'll always feel like I do today, knowing that I used to be a genius, that I used to be talented, and all I am now is potential that never turned into something beautiful.
I just feel so unevolved sometimes.
No comments:
Post a Comment