we are very busy people

my best friend at school is leaving at the end of this semester. hes going off to Argentina for six months to work on farms where who knows how well i'll be able to contact him. then hes transferring schools. im really the only person hes talked to about this change, though hes told a few others that hes leaving. his reasons dont make sense, frankly. ive been walling myself off to avoid the fact that it upsets me that hes leaving and hes been walling himself off to prepare for the change. he wants me to be excited for him, but every time he brings it up, i shut down. im happy for him and i want him to be as happy as he can be, obviously, but i dont know what im going to do without him here. hes the only person who has crazy, deep conversations about life with me on a daily basis. hes the only person i feel totally comfortable with without any occasional pangs of awkwardness stemming from past mistakes. hes the only one on the same cultural page as i am. hes a big reason of why im happy here.

ive been feeling very disconnected. like my dreams are more real than my reality, more exciting, more tangible, more present. i feel things. i dont view whats happening through a haze of indifference. i have all these separate lives that never touch. i travel to different lives when i travel. home has nothing to do with school and school has nothing to do with home in the way that life should have nothing to do with dreams and dreams should have nothing to do with life. i feel like time is never passing yet passing so quickly. every time i leave and come back to a place, it feels both like eternity and no time at all has passed. i want something radical to happen to me. something earth shattering and challenging that i dont know if i'll make it out alright. but i also want stability. i want to stop walking this tightrope and go back to solid ground because ive been up in the air for far to long and its become normalcy. i feel like im wasting my youth drowning in trying to feel something.

the weight of my decisions is not yet falling on my shoulders. im holding nothing up but trying to pretend like its something heavy. i stress about nothing and everything because i know i can never fall so far i cant get back up. i want to fall apart just to see if i can pick up the pieces of my life again. can i be destroyed completely and bounce back? can i lose everything and still come out with something? what can i do completely on my own? what if that nets gone and when i fall from this rope, i fall straight to the ground, shattering into a million pieces and reassembling slowly in a newer, better form? who will i become?