Life is fleeting but it lingers forever

Tonight, or this morning I suppose, I remembered two winters ago.

I want to run away sometimes. I need to run away sometimes. I actually did run away, just once before, in the dead winter of my senior year. I disappeared with a boy I thought I loved to the countryside and spent the whole weekend staring at the stars. I spent the whole weekend staring at the moon. I was hypnotized.

Nobody knew where I was. For a weekend I existed solely on that farm and nowhere else. My problems couldn’t find me, so I forgot about them entirely. The overwhelming beauty of the winter sky didn’t have room for them and neither did I. With every star visible and the biggest full moon in nine years, my world shone and my heart basked in the light. I shone for the first time in a long time, almost as if I, like the stars above my head, could only shine in the countryside. I’ll never forget it.

I’ll never forget the urge to leave everything behind, even if it’s just for a little while. I want to stand under the stars in the earth shattering cold again. I want to stand still, frozen in disbelief, once more, as I listen to the deafening silence of the natural world. I want to feel the rush of freedom just one more time. It's a feeling I'd do anything for.

If I close my eyes and think hard enough I find myself back on the farm, always at night. I find myself walking in a trance down the path leading toward the farmhouse. I find myself standing underneath a solitary tree in the field, staring into the eyes of the pony again. I find myself feeling safe. I find myself gaping at the perfect, vast, circle of clouds that encompassed the moon my last night in the country. I find myself identifying constellations and stars in a dreamlike moment of clarity, the need for a planetarium obsolete. I find myself talking to an old friend, my companion in isolation. I find myself talking about everything. I find myself, if I think hard enough.

Nevertheless, every winter I want to run away. Every winter I need to run away. Because no matter what I find myself running toward, I know I’ll end up staring up at the stars. I know I’ll discover a sense of awe and wonder that slows the rotation of my forever spinning mind, giving me a glimpse of perfection. It’s a perfection that I can only find in nature and all of its imperfections. When I become immersed in nature, when I take my place as a part of nature, I can see that perfection within myself. I can see that perfection within my endless imperfections. The moment is fleeting but it lingers forever.

The winter is fleeting but it lingers forever. The same is true of the spring, summer, and fall. Each season falls into place within a time which has no end. Each season falls into place within our minds as a memory of the past, as a memory of the times we’ve run away, and, more importantly, as a memory of the inevitable return. I want to run away more than anything, just so that I may find my way back.